Consulting the Supreme Bakra…
Order of Precedence
مجلسِ دربار
Twelve ceremonial offices across eight departments, arranged so that everybody outranks somebody. Every person named here is invented; no likeness of any real individual is depicted.
Each department publishes exactly one performance indicator, selected by the department itself.
Showing 12 of 12 ceremonial offices.
Sarkar-e-Aala, Supreme Ceremonial Patron
سرکارِ اعلیٰ
Holds ultimate ceremonial authority over the 489 kanals and everything that happens upon them, including the weather, by convention.
Has never been observed to arrive. Is simply, at some point, present.
Grand Gaddi Nasheen
گدی نشینِ اعظم
Occupies the principal Gaddi and presides over every ceremony of significance, and several of none.
Rises only for Sarkar-e-489, and once for a very good biryani.
Wazir-e-Gaddi Affairs
وزیرِ گدی
Allocates Gaddis, maintains the seniority register, and manages the perennial cushion shortage.
Keeps the master seating chart in his head. Refuses to write it down.
Chief Bakra Verification Officer
افسرِ تصدیقِ بکرا
Personally inspects every imaginary goat offered as Nazarana and certifies it by nodding.
Maintains two headcounts. Will not say which is the real one.
Minister of Chai and Hospitality
وزیرِ چائے
Guarantees that no guest departs at their intended hour. Commands the kettles and the biscuit reserve.
Holds the record for consecutive uses of "ek chai aur?" — nineteen.
Director of Nazarana Management
ناظمِ نذرانہ
Receives all imaginary offerings, issues ceremonial receipts, and files everything beautifully.
Believes a receipt should be more impressive than the thing it records.
Chief JV Blessings Officer
افسرِ برکاتِ شراکت
Confers blessings upon every joint venture proposal, irrespective of merit, viability or comprehensibility.
Has blessed every proposal ever submitted. Declines to be drawn on outcomes.
Minister of Unnecessary Committees
وزیرِ کمیٹیاں
Constitutes a committee for every unresolved matter, then a committee to review that committee.
Is currently chairing a committee convened to examine his own department.
Director of Pending Files
ناظمِ زیرِ التوا
Guards every file awaiting a decision. The vault is extensive and the shelving is continuous.
Has read every pending file. Has resolved none. Considers this the job.
Supreme Ludo Arbitration Commissioner
کمشنرِ لڈو
Presides over the best-of-three championships by which all major Gaddi disputes are settled.
Owns the only official board. Keeps it in a locked cabinet.
Head of Emergency Biryani Distribution
سربراہِ ہنگامی بریانی
Maintains the Darbar's standing biryani readiness and deploys it at ceremonial short notice.
Measures rice in "enough". Has never once been wrong.
Chief Officer of Strategic Dua Allocation
افسرِ تقسیمِ دعا
Distributes the Darbar's ceremonial goodwill across applications, ventures and general atmospheric need.
The post is vacant. The duas have continued regardless, which raises questions.